What Women Really Think About Men’s Ability to Discuss Emotional Issues
Many men are clueless how to talk to a woman who is stressed, anxious or angry. Guys, this advice could save your relationships—with romantic partners, friends and colleagues.
In the 1975 comedy The Prisoner of Second Avenue, Jack Lemmon has some advice for his wife, Anne Bancroft, who is riddled with stress and anxiety over their home having just been burglarized and trashed:
“Calm down!” he says.
Watching the movie recently, I cringed, wondering if the script writers intended to be comedically outrageous, or if the line slipped in absentmindedly, the obvious reaction from a husband of the era.
Either way, the Hollywood relationship went immediately to hell.
No woman ever wants to be told to calm down. I’ve confirmed this with women young and old. “One thing for certain,” one woman told me, “nobody ever calmed down by being told to calm down.”
Times change, of course. The movie is nearly 50 years old. Back then, men were often tolerated and even revered for being calm, cool and collected. Exhibiting emotion was deemed weak. If we men have evolved our emotional intelligence in the intervening half-century, one might hope we now know not to instruct a stressed out, anxious or otherwise upset wife — or any human — to “calm down.” I suspect I’m overly optimistic, however. On average, according to the latest research, men are still notably less able than women to cultivate empathy — the ability to understand the thoughts and feelings of others and respond in an emotionally helpful way. Empathy, cultivated by patience, an open mind and good listening skills, is the foundation for compassion, and therefore a key to any good relationship.
So I set about to understand how women feel about the typical man’s ability–or inability — to discuss emotional problems, and whether or not we’ve evolved from the era of Jack Lemmon’s Cro-Magnon communication skills.
Two words popped up over and over as women described the conventional male approach to a stressed, anxious or angry woman: invalidating and condescending.
“They try to problem-solve or minimize the ‘negative’ or uncomfortable emotion (stress, anger, anxiety),” says Shana P. Murphy, an education specialist in Los Angeles who responded to my social media query for this article. “They try to just get rid of it anyway they can. This response feels invalidating. It feels like ‘let’s not give space to that emotion because it makes me uncomfortable, let’s just solve it or bright-side it.’”
I’m not here to denigrate or chastise all men. I’m here to inspire. I learned a ton by simply listening to women on this topic.
But guys, so you know: Times are changing. More and more women these days just aren’t going to tolerate the invalidating condescension. If you want to have meaningful relationships—and this goes for romantic partners as well as friends and co-workers—you’ll need to shed your Cro-Magnon DNA.
Keep reading with a 7-day free trial
Subscribe to Wise & Well to keep reading this post and get 7 days of free access to the full post archives.